What Real Leadership Looks Like for Your Horse

Dear friends,

One of the most dangerous myths in the horse world is this:
👉 We just need to be good leaders.

Because so often, what is called “leadership” — is really coercive control.

It is manipulation.
It is subtle dominance.
It is deciding for the horse — how they should behave, how they should move, how they should respond.

And here is what we must face:

What is called “training” and “education” in the horse world — is, in reality, coercive control.

The same patterns that — in the human world — we call domestic violence:
Manipulation.
Subjugation.
Intimidation.
Power over.

And when you look at what’s really happening — most horses are living in this frame.

They are not free.
They are not expressing themselves.

They are constantly reading us — trying to manage the human in front of them.
They are trying to create the response that will keep the human happy — or at least stop the pressure.
They are offering what they think will make us settle — so they can feel safe.

They are not choosing.
They are managing the moment — just trying to survive the interaction.

Their minds are trapped.

As I have come to understand so deeply — for so many horses:
The cornered mind is their normal experience.

And this is where the true damage lies.

Because coercive control does not just take away the horse’s freedom.
It diminishes their spirit.
It breaks down their trust.
It teaches them that what they feel does not matter — that what they need will not be heard.

And piece by piece — they shut themselves away.

When I look back at my own journey...

I will never forget Foxy Lady.

At first, I thought she was the problem — difficult, resistant, unpredictable.
I thought I simply needed to be a better “leader.”
To stay calm, to give clear cues, to manage the sessions more effectively.

So I tried everything I knew.
Natural horsemanship.
Positive methods.
Every form of “good leadership” I had been taught.

But the harder I tried, the more she fought.

Until the day came — when I truly saw it.

There she was:
Fighting.

But unreachable.

Nothing I did could connect with her.
Her fight was not spirit — it was self-protection.

She was fighting to hold onto herself — against everything I had layered onto her.

And in that moment, I realised:

It wasn’t her.

It was me.
It was the way I was interacting.
It was the coercive control that was built into everything I had learned — even when I thought I was being kind.
Even when I thought I was leading well.

And that day — I knew I had to change.

And this is something we all need to see in ourselves.

Because when people need to use power over — coercive control, manipulation — it comes from deep insecurity.

When you are truly secure — you do not need power over.
You want real relationship.
You want connection based on trust — not control.

But most of what we call “training” in the horse world — is power over.

And once you begin to see it — it is everywhere:

Using a bit — to control the horse’s body.
Using driving pressure — to move them where we want.
Using food — to reinforce what pleases us.
Controlling space — blocking or shaping their movement.
Withholding rest or relief — until they “get it right.”
Deciding when they can come and go — without real invitation.
Managing herd relationships — to suit our convenience.
Dictating what “good behaviour” looks like — instead of meeting their truth.

So what does real leadership look like?

It is not about deciding for the horse.
It is not about shaping them into the partner we want.

Because when we do that — we are not leading.
We are controlling.

And it is coercive — no matter how softly it is done.

Real leadership is about:
👉 Being fully present.
👉 Being emotionally congruent.
👉 Offering a space of safety — where the horse can show us who they truly are.
👉 Meeting them — in the reality of the moment — not in our plan.
👉 Letting go of the outcome — and opening the conversation.

When we offer this kind of leadership — something extraordinary happens:

We stop managing the horse.
And the horse stops managing us.

The space between us becomes open.
Honest.

And in that space — the horse’s mind is freed.
Their spirit begins to return.
And they begin to show us their real nature — the self that had been trapped beneath the patterns of control.

This is what we long for — in them, and in ourselves.

This is the heart of what we teach in the Learn To Speak Horse course:
How to recognise when leadership is becoming control.
How to step out of manipulation and coercive patterns.
How to build a space where horses feel safe to be themselves — fully and freely.

And when that begins to happen — you will meet your horse in ways you never imagined.

You will see who they really are — not the version they learned to show.

If this speaks to you — you are so welcome to explore this work with us.
It will change your horse’s experience. And it will change you.

With love,
Paulette

Click Here to Discover true leadership — that horses trust