We think:
I’m not using force.
I’m not using pressure.
I’m calm. I’m kind.

But calm and kind are not the same as listening.

And they are not the same as giving the horse freedom of voice.

I’ll give you an example I’ve lived — and one I still see all the time.

You go to the paddock with a fly mask.
You want to put it on your horse.
You believe it will make them more comfortable — even though, if we’re honest, horses in the wild live perfectly well without fly masks.

But today — you’ve decided they should wear it.

So you walk up, fly mask in hand.
Your horse turns their head away.
A clear no.

You wait.

You stand there, patiently — holding the mask.
Telling yourself you’re being kind.
You’re not forcing anything.

But here’s what’s really happening:
Your waiting is not neutral.
It is full of expectation.
It is saying: I want this to happen — and I will wait here until you comply.

And eventually — the horse gives in.
They put their head in the mask.

But this is not conversation.
It is not trust.
It is not free choice.

It is submission.

And you might be thinking — but is it really such a big deal?
It’s just a fly mask. The horse gave in. No harm done...

But that’s exactly why this matters.
Because it’s never about “just” the fly mask — or just one circle — or getting the movement.

It’s about what happens to the relationship, every time the horse learns that their no is not heard.
It’s about what happens to their spirit, every time they give in to manage us.
And it’s about the quiet layers of distrust and self-protection that begin to build, moment by moment, underneath what looks like “kind” interaction.

This is why it matters.
This is why it is a big deal.

This is not easy work.
I still have to watch for this in myself — every day.

Because the patterns run deep — in us, in the horse world, in everything we’ve been taught about “being good with horses.”

But when we begin to shift it — when we let go of the agenda, the waiting, the subtle push — something extraordinary happens.

We meet the horse in truth.
Their voice returns.
The relationship changes — completely.

This is the heart of what we teach in the Learn To Speak Horse course:
How to recognise these subtle patterns.
How to shift the energy we bring.
How to truly listen — so the horse can be fully themselves.

It’s one of the things we hear again and again from students:
“I thought I knew my horse. But now I feel like I’m meeting them — for the first time.”

And the connection that grows from that space — real, honest, free — is one of the most beautiful things you will ever experience.

If this speaks to you — you are so welcome to explore this work with us.
It will change your horse’s experience. And it will change you.

With love,
Paulette

Explore more about this work

🌸 The Horse Knows Best

🌸 Embracing the No

🌸 Mutual Respect — What It Really Means

🌸 Truth Seeker

🌸 When Kindness Feels Like Control — to Your Horse

🌸 My Journey With Whips — What I Learned About Control

🌸 Why “Calm and Kind” Isn’t Always Listening

🌸 Beyond Obedience: Why Shaping Can Still Be Control

🌸 True Liberty vs Trained Response — Can You Tell the Difference?

🌸 What Real Leadership Looks Like for Your Horse

🌸 Offering Choice Isn’t Enough — How Our Intentions Still Shape the Horse